A History of Violence and the Horses That Heal Us

                               ADRIAN BUCKAROOGIRL

I'm going to be really bloody honest with you today. 

I hope that it doesn't bother you dear reader, and before you continue on-know that there are triggers for people with histories of abuse and violence in their life written below. 

I don't want to cause more pain, just healing. But everyone is at different stages in how they heal, and this may be harder for you to read than a positive thing at this moment in your journey-so please keep that in mind before you continue. 

A history of violence - Healing Horses  

A little honesty for the girls who are hurting, you are not alone.

 

Horses. They are a beautiful and sometimes terrifying thing. Strong, powerful and sometimes shy. It always amazes me that such a big and strong animal can allow certain things to happen to it without lashing out. Without trying to kill, to get away or fight. We ask so much of them, so much of our animals, and for the most part, the trust and beauty that they show us in return is striking.

When I was 14, something horrible was done to me by a man. I say this not to ask for anything other than it is time to tell my true story, and maybe to be able to give some small bit of hope.

I receive so many letters and talk to so many hurting women and young girls, who feel like they are the only one's going through something horrible. They are apart of the cowboy and ranching world, and feel-at least the folks that have reached out to me to talk - like there is a part of the cowboy world that hushes these types of issues up. Like they cannot talk about it, that to be a cowboy-girl you have to say nothing - or that if you struggle with the aftermath that you are not brave or "tough."

I say that's BS. 

And I'm putting this down so that they know they are not alone.

I struggled through highschool and my love of music and work because of it. I was robbed of my teenage years and most things that young girls get to enjoy and experience. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (see link)  although I didn't know the name of what was happening to me - was something I dealt with night and day. 

Because of the constant fear after the incident at 14, I would love the moments I spent with my horses. 

I felt safe and at home around them, I felt away from the bad things and people that had tried to hurt me. Like no one could reach me. 

Then when I was 18, something even worse happened. An abusive relationship and something that should never happen to anyone - man or woman - was done to me.

And it was done in some of the most beautiful cowboy country that there is, around horses and the outdoors. All the things I loved and was constantly surrounded by.

Because of God's grace and the love of my family, I was able to get out and away - but the fact remains that after something like that happens to you, it changes you. Just because you get away from that person doesn't mean that you are all of a sudden OK and feel safe. Because of where the things had happened were around horses and the pastures and barns I worked around at home, I started to withdraw from them. It would take a hell of a lot to get me to go saddle up, go into the barn or even jingle horses in and catch my ponies. Everything was a trigger and would cause flashbacks, horrible nightmares and unstoppable tears - even while at brandings and out day-working around and with cowboys I respected and felt safe around. 

The years of healing, help and lets face it - LOTS of therapy - made me realize not only how blessed I was to be surrounded by a loving family, but to be alive and well. 

I started, after reading and listening and talking and educating myself - that the places that something so traumatic happens are not healthy places to stay in. You just cannot heal as a survivor from something so horrific, still living in and drenched in the area and surroundings that the violence happened in.

So I left. I began a whole new life in a whole new place, and my family supported me. School, a new life and a new out-look on the big blue sea took me far away from the things that I should have gotten away from long ago. I stopped taking shows and concerts in places that were triggers for me. I stopped talking to people that weren't healthy, I watched movies that I read reviews about beforehand so I knew there was nothing to trigger my PTSD's. I started sleeping a little more at night. Eating better.

And then I got my horses again.

The first day I caught up my horses in the new area, I waited for the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I waited for the fear and the feeling that I needed to run away. 

It never came. I took deep breaths and realized I was finally, amazingly safe. Nothing bad could happen around these horses. These horses meant healing and safety and joy. These horses mean learning and pushing myself and trying new things. These horses meant more roping, more miles trotted.

And no more fear.

The more time I spend in the company of my horses, in a brand new, beautiful place with no horrific or traumatic memories - the more I want to do with them. 

A spooky horse who was abused as a colt is learning right along side with me that everything is ok.

Not everyone is out to hurt you, and it's still not wrong to stick up for yourself and protect not only your physical well-being...but your mental as well. To protect your heart. 

To protect the most important thing... 

YOU.

I hope that by writing this that I do not "freak" anyone out, but quite frankly if I did...then I'm not that sorry.

Rape, domestic abuse and violence where you least expect it is a reality we face in the world. 

There are horrible and violent things being done, and sometimes you may not realize they are happening right where you are, to people that you love and care about.

To the cowboygirls I've been writing to privately about this issue: I hope this gives you even a small bit of confidence. A little bit of hope, and the knowledge that you are NOT going through this alone.

Don't ever give up, don't ever give in and remember that YOU are the most important thing to take care of in this world. 

Your horses are healing, as crazy as it sounds...sometimes the joy and peace that a horse can give you will surprise your soul. Give it a try. Just a little bit of time everyday with your pony, not to do work -not to get anything done - just smell his hide. Feel him and be calm. Breathe.

You are not alone, you are not in the wrong...and eventually, this will be better. 

I'm always here for you, you are all so brave. Don't ever give up.

Love,

~Adrian 

PS. If you don't know where to start, if you're frightened or in need of help-the RAINN network offers an amazing hotline and help center. You can contact them HERE to get help right now.